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Joan sent me a presentation with quotes from German second graders. Most of them are mondegreens that won’t work in English, but I’ve translated some of the others into English for fun:

  • Garden gnomes have red hats so they don’t get mowed down.
  • Men can’t get married to men because then who would wear the wedding dress?
  • Life insurance is the money you get if you survive a fatal accident.
  • Daddy won the prize for best rabbit at the animal show.
  • My parents buy the grey toilet paper because it’s already been used, and that’s good for the environment.
  • Adopting is actually better. Then parents get to choose their own kids and don’t have to take what they get.
  • Adam and Eve lived in Paris.
  • During the week God lives in Heaven. On Sunday he goes to church.
  • The northern and the southern hemispheres turn in opposite directions.
  • Cows have to walk slowly so they don’t spill their milk.
  • Worms can’t bite because they’ve got tails at both ends.
  • A peach is like an apple with a rug on it.
  • If you eat mad cows, you’ll get ISDN.
  • Fishsticks are long dead. They can’t swim.
  • I haven’t been baptized, but I’ve been vaccinated.
  • When people stopped being monkeys, they became Egyptians.
  • The train came to a grinding halt and the passengers emptied themselves onto the platform.
  • The whole world listened when Luther posted his 95 prostheses on the door of the church in Wittenberg.
  • Spring is the first of the seasons. In spring chickens lay eggs and farmers lay potatoes.
  • A circle is a round square.
  • The Earth turns 365 days a year. Every four years the year takes an extra day to finish, and that just happens to be in February. I don’t know why that is. Maybe it’s because it’s so cold in February, which makes it a little harder.
  • The pig is one of the most useful animals there is. You can use everything from the pig, all of it front to back for meat, its hide for leather, its bristles for brushes, and its name for a bad word.

German originals: “Erkenntnisse aus Schulaufsätzen” on Lustich.de