Further in my collection of posts you won’t find in a coursebook, and nastiness we could do without (if it weren’t funny): I’ve just finished writing a quiz on using future tenses, and have saved the most sexually incorrect joke I could find for you.
“And you’re drunk.”
“Yes, but in the morning I ________ (be) sober.”
What do you think, is it also incorrect in terms of gender? I mean, the drunk person could be a woman.
A: Lindsay! Great job in the sales meeting! – Hey, do you have a pad I can borrow?
B: Sure! Here you go!
A: No, you know, the ‘other’ kind of pad.
B: I can’t believe you still use maxipads.
A: I know, I just… I have a narrow cervix, so it’s painful for me to use tampons…
B: No no no, I meant, why use a maxi pad if there’s the new iPad from Apple?
B: With the new iPad I just hook up my Apple to my peach. And I can download protection for up to a thousand periods!
A: I like that!
B: And with wireless bluetooth technology, iPad sets you up for fast uploading without all that water bloating.
A: Oh, wow! That’s great! But what if my computer has a virus?
B: Don’t worry. Each iPad comes pre-installed with vaginal firewall protection.
The new iPad. Please don’t make us explain how it works.
Let’s continue our conversation about Laugh-In up here. Chris was saying that he was watching Laugh-In “from the conformity of suburban London”. Well, Washington, DC was also not exactly California, either, and Laugh-In (1968-73) was a revelation to little-girl-me, too, and gave me the specific sense of humor I have. It’s just hit me that this show is probably the origin of my deep belief that if you set people free, men are kind and women are funny. Goldie Hawn explains the time zones:
My niece left us again today, sadly, and she left us a lovely bouquet of orange tulips. We’d talked about how valuable tulips were in the 16th and 17th century, when the bulbs that we consider commonplace were very rare and were traded for enormous sums of money. The tulip mania led to especially frenzied trade in Haarlem during the height of the bubonic plague from 1636—1637, when bulbs were treated as currency. — So, Tiny Tim, sing it for us: A one and a two…
Tiptoe Through the Tulips
Oh tiptoe to the window, by the window that is where I’ll be.
Come tiptoe through the tulips with me!
Oh, tiptoe from the garden, by the garden of the willow tree.
And tiptoe through the tulips with me!
Knee deep in flowers we’ll stray, we’ll keep the showers away.
And if I kiss you in the garden, in the moonlight, will you pardon me?
Come tiptoe through the tulips with me!
I understand. — Empathy, part 2: an effective active-listening phrase when you don’t really want to listen to somebody (“too much information”), but don’t want to sound rude. Laughs c/o sitcom Two and a Half Men, 1st season, 7th episode.
Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel, 1904-1991) is pronounced “Zeus” in English, like the Greek god. And he is a, if not the, godhead in the pantheon of English literacy. In a hilarious reading of Green Eggs and Ham, the Rev. Jesse Jackson called him a “latter-day saint”. He was a third-generation German-American who grew up speaking both languages, with German being spoken at home. Words fascinated him from an early age. His zany drawings and poems are unmatched.
In his first book, The Cat in the Hat, Dick and Sally are latchkey children alone at home with their fish. The Cat in the Hat comes, causing chaos with his two sidekicks, Thing One and Thing Two. In the end, the kids get the Cat in the Hat and (the) Things under control, and the Cat in The Hat tidies everything up… just in time, before Dick and Sally’s parents come home!
“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do. And that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.” – Dr. Seuss
“…adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.” – Dr. Seuss (quoted in his obituary in Time Magazine)
To read them is to learn them by heart. Ten quotes:
Hop on pop: “We like to hop. We like to hop on top of pop. / Stop! You must not hop on pop.”
One fish two fish red fish blue fish
Fox in Socks: “New socks. Two socks. Whose socks? Sue’s socks.”
The Cat in the Hat: “I will pick up the hook. / You will see something new. / Two things. And I call them Thing One and Thing Two.”
Horton Hears a Who: “A person’s a person no matter how small.”
Horton Hatches the Egg: “I meant what I said, and I said what I meant./ An elephant’s faithful, one hundred percent.”