“What are you selling?” “Personality”

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Comedian Salesman Kenny Brooks: “I’ve got a disease called enthusiasm”. Catching!

Goes into suburbia with his cleaning liquid, deals with bad attitudes, and lays his word wit on his potential customers, playing to their social anxieties (“Don’t laugh too hard cause the neighbors gonna see this black kid scrubbing your windows”).

My favorite one-liners:

  • My mom says, “If it’s darker than me and it don’t pay the bills, it shouldn’t be there.”
  • My mom said, “If you can’t get the whole chicken, at least get the wing.”
  • You get the HBO Special. You know what HBO means? You get to Help a Brother Out.
  • That one bottle lasts longer than my last relationship.
  • You just go back and forth like an argument.
  • You can do cash, checks, or chicken wings.

I tried to collect as many of his one-liners as possible, after the break:

  • I’m gonna be quick like Nestle and Beat It like Michael Jackson. That’s why your neighbors said I remind them of Nicholas Cage, ‘cos I’m Gone in 60 Seconds.
  • Who does this the most on a dirty window? The kids, the dogs, or the ugly black guys who eat fried chicken.
  • Now, you see these water spots? Look! They get whiter than my elbows without lotion.
  • Stevie Wonder says Seeing is Believing, and I got a disease called Enthusiasm, so I’m a cut straight to the mustard.
  • Don’t laugh too hard, ‘cos the neighbors are gonna see this black kid scrubbing your window.
  • No water spots, no fingerprints, no streaks. That’s why we can’t sell it to criminals. Don’t tell OJ or Tiger Woods, ok?
  • My mom said, If it’s darker than me and don’t pay the bills, it shouldn’t be there, right?
  • This right here, we just upgrade it like Beyoncé.
  • This should be the main reason why you get the HBO Special. You know what HBO means? You get to Help a Brother Out.
  • I’ve been on a roll like toilet paper.
  • (Scrubbing:) You just go back and forth, like an argument.
  • Now I ain’t Jesus, but look how I did that, like Moses did the Red Sea.
  • Paint me green and call me a pickle.
  • (Sniffing:) Look here, now look, it goes good with chicken. Don’t drink it though, it’d give you the Hershey curse.
  • That one bottle lasts longer than my last relationship.
  • Y’all got water, right? High five, you qualified to use it.
  • This is my last demo, then I’m outta your hair quicker than your favorite shampoo.
  • Even though I’m black it ain’t black magic, it just work.
  • Would you throw it out, shout it out, get OJ to stab it out, Mike Tyson to bite it out, Kobe Bryant to…. (interrupted)
  • You know you can’t put bleach on colors, right? Look at this (sprays his face) this safe on colors. That’s why we can’t sell it to Sammy Sosa. (photo)
  • Would you say that’s whiter than a Colgate smile?
  • “Can I use it on my teeth?” It ain’t Jesus in a bottle. I use it on mine, they turn brown. No, just kiddin’.
  • What’s the hardest thing to clean? Would it be the carpet, the tile, the barbeque grill, the shower doors, the oil that’s on the driveway that’s blacker than my mother but not as beautiful, or that calcium right there?
  • “What are you selling?” Personality.
  • (Unscrewing bottle) Unlike Madonna, it’s never been touched.
  • But whatch’all do for a living? You must be in sales too, huh? I know cos your house is bigger than my whole neighborhood.
  • My mom said, If you can’t get the whole chicken, at least get the wing, right?
  • You should just save my autograph, because by the time you run out, you’ll probably see me on Last Comic Standing, and then you gotta ebay it to get your money back.
  • (adding a neighbor’s comment) You know all of the cleaners y’all use, they said they’re like a pregnant lady on welfare, they don’t work.
  • If you had a choice of grabbing a solid dollar or a hundred pennies, what’s easier? “A dollar.” You sharper than Gillette. (Young Money, Roger That)
  • The get-rid-of-me special.
  • I like you. You must be a teacher. ‘Cos you got a lot of class.
  • (About the door handle) When was the last time you see this look shiny like a baby hiney?
  • It’s going to go from ’79 to 2010.
  • Don’t panic, it’s organic. (button)
  • Remember when I told you it couldn’t fade color? That’s why we couldn’t sell it to Michael Jackson.
  • It’s safe around dogs, unlike Michael Vick, and it’s safe around kids, unlike Pee Wee Herman. (Michael Vick, Paul Reubens aka Pee Wee)
  • “Are you from around here?” I’m from my momma, but don’t tell my daddy.
  • Y’all cooler than the other side of the pillow.
  • Dang, if I had your hands, I’d cut mines off. Cos your neighbors have been working me like I’m black and paying me like I’m Mexican.
  • Just trial one, ‘cos I know that ain’t gonna take the cheese outta your macaroni.
  • The only thing you can’t use it on is dirty mind, dirty nose, and nosy neighbors.
  • You can do cash, checks, or chicken wings.
  • I’m gonna get you the spray bottle just because you didn’t make me clean the toilet.


2 Responses

  1. Great sayings! I laughed like hell. Will there be next part of it on the web?

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